The First Modern Chancellor; A Parody
Setting: Elizabeth I court
Sir Walter Mildmay
Narrator: Welcome friends to the court of our good queen Elizabeth the First…
(Elizabeth is reading a piece of paper)
Elizabeth: There’s a mistake here.
NR: What kind of mistake your majesty?
EZ: What is the year?
NR: Year of our lord 1566.
EZ: These dates are wrong! It’s been over 500 years since Y1K and you people still have problems getting the date right!
NR: I will have that corrected immediately your majesty.
(SW walks on stage)
Sir Walter: I’ve come as commanded your majesty.
EZ: Who commanded?
NR: You asked for a distinguished gentleman who owes your honorable family greatly due to being knighted during your dynasty.
EZ: Ah, Sir Walter Mildmay! Good to see you, you were always my brothers favorite Snobbish friend. Therefore you will do nicely for this task.
NR: Aloof, Snobby, uppity, snooty, Haughty, arrogant, egotistical, insolent…
(SW looks at Narrator as if she was crazy)
SW: Okay! We get the Idea! And watch what you say Mr. Oh-So-Fancy-Pants-Narrator for I have more power then you ever will!
EZ: Enough! I have a royal edict for you, and you will show me the proper respect!
(Turns toward EZ and kneels with head bowed. NR sticks her tongue out at SW)
EZ: Sir Walter, by my command you shall become Chancellor of the Exchequer--
SW (interrupting): I prefer chess.
EZ: Quiet! (To NR) Explain the Exchequer to him.
NR: Sir Walter you will fill the role of Chancellor of the Exchequer, and your duties will include budgeting the National and Royal Treasuries, and be head of the Bank Of England—
EZ: No you fool! Be in CHARGE of the Bank of England! The Job is yours for life; hope that you have a long employment.
SW: As you command your majesty, though I must admit that I feared my life had come to an end.
EZ: Oh it has, or as you know it. Wally, do you realize just how much red tape there is to go through to appoint a new Chancellor?
SW: Please, your majesty, if you could call me Walter, I would greatly appreciate it.
EZ: Well that’s just too bad. For I am the queen and I can call you anything I please, WAAALLLYY.
SW: My queen? If I could be frank, my knee is killing me, so if I could rise…
EZ: No you cannot! But you can lie down for a few. No, better not, you better just remain how you are, it’s for the best, and after all we don’t want the Media to run us through a meat grinder again… And when did your name become Frank? (Narrator speaks up)
NR: Her Maj.! Can you please hurry this along? These people are getting bored!
EZ: (Dramatic sigh) Fine… Wally, I want you to be the first of the Modern Chancellors—
SW: I’m Hip!
EZ: Not that modern. What I envision is many changes in your office. And you will be the one to set the prime example.
SW: Oh I have big plans your majesty; you wont recognize the bank after I’m done with it.
EZ: Now you behave yourself Wally for you’re not too big to be taken over your mother’s knee!
SW: (obvious fear) No! I’m sorry my queen… Um... My mother isn’t here is she?
EZ: No, but I can get her here!
SW: (hangs head) Yes my queen…
EZ: Now, you will be the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Sir Wally (snickers from NR- stops with a glare from SW). You enter my service as the Chancellor as of now, I expect you to behave in a manner befitting your position.
SW: Can I move into 11 Downing Street? (Hopeful)
NR: Yeah, in about 300 years.
SW: (to himself) many chancellors went on to become Prime Minister…
EZ: Whoa! I’m the boss here, me and only me. What’s this Prime Minister stuff here buck-o?
SW: This is a great honor your majesty.
NR: Got that right.
SW: I hope I will not disappoint you.
EZ: Ditto… Now tell me Wally, how much money do I have at my personal disposal?
SW: I would need some time to count the money your majesty, but rest assured I will tell you as soon as I find out.
EZ: Not good enough, I want to know NOW! Now tell me!
(SW looks like dear in headlights)
SW (stuttering): Ye-yess my queen. (Dramatically pretends to think-obviously making this up) You have approximately 50 Silver pieces in your personal account, and 10 in the National.
EZ: That much huh? Wow, that’s more then I suspected. Well then, lets start a war!! Who should we fight this time? We could fight the French again, that’s always fun. But not necessarily a true challenge, well that’s okay; I can think this over later, Narrator! Make sure you write that down.
NR: Yes’um. (Scribbles on paper)
EZ: Like the old saying goes, a queen and her money are soon parted. (Holler) SHOE SHOPPIN! (Exits)
NR: Sir Walter dutifully carried out the duties of Exchequer until he died in 1589.
(SW gulps upon hearing the year of his death and he can be seen counting on his fingers as he exits.)
NR: The beloved Narrator, who was loved by all, suffered a massive heart— (falls over dead)