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Typical Stupidity.

I've been having a very exhausting couple of days when it comes to relationships, so I'm stashing this post in an extended entry. I'd advise for you to skip it, because it will likely make you think this is a journal instead of a blog. Heh.

I met my best friend 11 years ago. And up until recently I thought I knew him better then anyone else. I always figured I could run to him and cry on his shoulder.

I never thought that he would make me cry.

A few months ago MV met a girl in another county, and he started changing. Not for the better. He became moody, and started to be a jerk. He was making a lot of people mad by his attitude and I tried to make excuses for him when I could. Generic stuff like "he hasn't seen his girlfriend lately" or "don't worry, its normal, he gets like this every couple of months, it will pass". Time went on and he didn't snap out of it.

So I emailed him over Winter Break, he was still mad about the hackysack, but I figured I had to at least talk to him before he alienated all his other friends. He was in Texas so I didn't expect a reply for a while. And in the email I mentioned how he never called, and that he should every once in a while. Surprisingly enough, I got a phone call from him. And I asked MV if he got the email, and he said no. He just wanted to know what the schedule was for school, A or B. I told him, and then we started talking and I pretty much said everything to him that i had in the email. I figured it was good, he'd get the message.

Wasn't to be. I got an email one day after school, from a guy, lets call him Steve just for identification purposes. Now Steve went to a different school and I had been talking to him a lot, I had known him a couple years ago, and we had kept up a minimalistic familiarity with each other until a few weeks ago, when we started to get close. He didn't go to my school, and to me that was all the better. It just meant i didn't have put up with the idiocy that always follow when two people date. I kept quite at school. Now Steve emailed me and said some pretty bad things. The gist of it was he didn't want to talk to me anymore and that I didn't mean anything to him. I swallowed my pride, thought to myself, no harm done, not like I told anyone.

Right before i got the email from Steve, MV accused me of falling in love with him. Maybe he was right. I don't know. Did I trust him? Yes. Did I care for him? Yes. Did I enjoy his company? Yes. Did I want him to get hurt? No. Did I want him to be unhappy? No. So I dunno, I did love him. As a friend. As more? I dunno. I told him he was a fool for thinking that, and he should assume things. I said that I wouldn't fall for him because I value our friendship too much. I said a lot of things.

So I told him that, and then I got the email from Steve. I thought long and hard whether or not to tell MV about Steve pretty much dumping me. But I did, against my better judgment. Next day at school, Today, I was at lunch. And MV was complaining about how his parents lectured him about his grades when I said something along the lines of "Yeah well, could have been worse. My parents always tell me that they don't worry about me dating, they probably think I scare off all the guys".

This is when he upset me for the first time. His response to my statement was along the lines of "Of course they needn't worry, all the guys are afraid to come near you for fear of castration. Can't say I blame them."

I was shocked. I didn't know what to do. So I did the first thing that came to my mind, and i didn't even think about it really. I slapped him. Twice. That was the first time I ever really hit someone in anger. Yeah I've hit people before, mainly in joke. But never like that. I felt horrible, I didn't know what to do, so i just left. I grabbed my books and with out another word, I got up, and left.

I went into the hall and played Hackysack with some friends of mine. They just let me play, I guess they saw how upset I was. I never expected them to be so nice, after all they were guys who didn't really know me. I was fine until I got home.

When I got home, I checked my email, went through my normal routine. I had an email from MV, dated in the morning, so I knew he got my message about being dumped. I just could not believe he could say something like that after I was dumped. He got on line, and IMed me. His first words were, and I quote "WTF was that today? explain to me how what i said was in any way offensive?"

I told him, that next time he gets dumped remind me to insult him. He once again responded with "a) how was i suppose to kno u were dumped? b)you are constantly saying shit like "blah blah blah ill castrate you" "dont make me castrate you", f***in hell, i told sarah what happened and she said she wouldve said the same god damn thing as me" He did know. He responded to the email that said it!

He also didn't realize that I didn't tell Sarah that I had been dumped. And that castrating stuff was over a year ago. The convo went on. Increasingly worse, until it ended up with me telling him I wasn't going to talk to him on line. I told him I was sick of arguing and talking about this stuff on line. If he wants to talk he needs to either call me or talk to me to my face. He responded by saying he didn't feel like getting "bitched at" today so he wasn't going to call.

Thats when I logged off and started crying.

I never thought a guy could make me cry. And I never thought he would.

So as one last bit of teenage stupidity, heres the chorus of a song that I like:

I'm alright,
I'm gonna make it,
Even if I have to fake it.
I'm alright,
I'm gonna make it,
Even if I have to break it.
I'm alright.


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Hey cheer up. There's plenty more fish in the sea (that's what my grandmother used to tell me). I still miss her relaxed attitude to life. She used to get me to think about how I would feel about something in twelve months time - most often I figured I would have forgotten about whatever was upsetting me. Doesn't work as well for me now as it did then .....